Ммм... Небо?
вторник, 25 сентября 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Why?.. What did i do wrong to you?... To anyone?.. No, not the right questions... I know what i did wrong.. I just.. Why.. Why don't you give me another chance?.. We went through so much.. And yet this is a tipping point.. Well, fuck you then. I don't know you. I won't care about you a tiny bit more. You decided there is no coming back.. Why would i even believe there is?.. Fuck you, Heart reaper..
пятница, 21 сентября 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
You don't get mad at me. That's kinda cool. Not that i make ponies hate me all the time. But that's a big + in my book.. Notepad.. piece of paper.
I was fighting the dark side of me for quite some time. The beasty part where i want to punch ponies (that's bad!), the part where i want to have sex (that's bad as well!), the part where i doubt myself and am trying to see if there are any ropes sometimes.. There are, don't worry. Not just all the time.. even at your part..
Now i am the Beast i once was feared of. My hatred fuels me to move on, to get up from the snow To open the door, go to the shower and then going to bed when i return from my work. Instead of just laying down at the floor the moment i get home. Anger is a part of me. Not the one that was burn naturally, Lol. But it's here, part of the complex me now. Just like Doubt. Just like Lust. All are part. And i have to listen to them. Coz they are a part of me. They drive me to the right way. Mostly. To making ponies happy to see me. To believing i am strong. And, oh.. I am stronger now... Not by muscles, but by spirit. Or i belive that. I don't know. There has to be a reason for me to bully. But i'll do this, if i'm in the situation for that. Or if i'll just find my opponent a weak douchbag who has no real power, fine. -_-
I like you, because you are intelegenly.. intellectly... intellectual human beeing. You are smart and talky enough for me. You dig shit inside yourself, like i always love to do.. That's just.. I do it the other way these days.. More practicaly then i ever did. Also for the beast part, i do what Joe Lajoie once proposed (www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8).
I was fighting the dark side of me for quite some time. The beasty part where i want to punch ponies (that's bad!), the part where i want to have sex (that's bad as well!), the part where i doubt myself and am trying to see if there are any ropes sometimes.. There are, don't worry. Not just all the time.. even at your part..
Now i am the Beast i once was feared of. My hatred fuels me to move on, to get up from the snow To open the door, go to the shower and then going to bed when i return from my work. Instead of just laying down at the floor the moment i get home. Anger is a part of me. Not the one that was burn naturally, Lol. But it's here, part of the complex me now. Just like Doubt. Just like Lust. All are part. And i have to listen to them. Coz they are a part of me. They drive me to the right way. Mostly. To making ponies happy to see me. To believing i am strong. And, oh.. I am stronger now... Not by muscles, but by spirit. Or i belive that. I don't know. There has to be a reason for me to bully. But i'll do this, if i'm in the situation for that. Or if i'll just find my opponent a weak douchbag who has no real power, fine. -_-
I like you, because you are intelegenly.. intellectly... intellectual human beeing. You are smart and talky enough for me. You dig shit inside yourself, like i always love to do.. That's just.. I do it the other way these days.. More practicaly then i ever did. Also for the beast part, i do what Joe Lajoie once proposed (www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8).
Kallen Stadtfeld.
I can cook up a few definitions of my own that may fall into said above. Based on a feka expirience, of course.
1) Perfecting something while it may not be true:
Thinking you love some pony romanticaly and not quite thinking about sex with them all the time. I'd call that a love to a goddess. Not a real pony, but an imagenary image you've created that is more confirmed then not. Like you don't know her that much, but you enjoy her paintings, her voice, her lips, her thought process. You find them enjoyable. Feels like something enternal, undying, deep inside. Something you can give all yourself to. Sacrafice yourself to a goddess, gods, cause (SCIENCE!), some other shit where there is less you and more her, or your understanding of her. This shit is totally imagitive, but surely shows, that you have some fked up issues.
(( Like being alone. Like not being loved enough. Like feeling like you miss out with all those fairy love around you with butterflys in your stomach. And wanting to not be like every pony loving some feka normal human beeing. Who the hay needs a normal girlfriend, if you can dedicate yourself to THE GODDESS!
2) Getting used to.
Now, while fighting the first one (coz, i knew that's getting out of hand and i need to drop this shit along the way), i've slowly expirienced something closer to love. This one is still with me. Neveda, remember i was talking about my "ex-" girlfriend when i thought she is using me?
I still am not sure, but i surely has more feeling for her these days. Hurtfully more.
In short, you have some interactions with a pony you like. You are far from each other, clearly not the "first glance love" type thingy here. Not even dating. But you talk, you have fun with each other. You hang out alone and with friends. You start gifting each other with things, like games, to play together. You just enjoy beeing with some pony. Then even better. Not just any pony, with her alone. You feel better just by seeing her smiling, you feel worse by knowing she has problems. You try your best to comfort her, you are there for her. You got used to her beeing in your life. Beeing your friend and some pony who brings fun to your life. Then, when she is removed by something, you feel bad. You miss her.
You never fancied her like a suped duper hot girl. But you didn't hate her that much either. You respect her and most of her tastes.
But in a nutshell, you got used to her. I do belive that's closer to love, then ponies sometimes tend to belive. Then action movies want you to belive, when main hero bangs his love interest before end credits. She is a part of your circle, of your routine. Not a boring routine, mind you. She knows you and your corners. You know hers. You are close friends. That's what i've ruined a few weeks ago.. And i freaking miss that. Also, in this one sex is awesome. Not that i have a lot of expirience, but having sex with some pony you like and know feels somewhat better, then with some pony new whom you don't care about. Well. That's my case, anyway. Where i like to doubt and care and listen to their compliments of how clever and awesome pony i am.
This one has beaten the first one for me. Yes, i still have feka flashbacks where i lose control of myself and want to pray to that goddess and just see her one more time and make some totally awesome things with her. But this one.. It's just more stable. More fullfilling. More real and rewarding and relaxing.
I also belive that there is not quite the last one.
3) Totall mind banging.
I belive that at some point i will meet the girl who, just like me, loves to understand things. But isn't in just a starter location of this process, no.. Already has some results, some more complicated ideas, understanding of herself and strong principes. And who is quite satisfiede with her place in the world. Surely not the "I am the girl, men has to be strong and senseless and serve me", and surely not the "I am the woman! Men are weak and pathetic and serve me". some pony equal.
Yes, this is kind of beeing getting used to.. But not quite like that.. Not just beeing really super duper good friends, who can't quite live without each other.. But a whole new "we". I can't really explain these. I don't think i can. Or if this really exist. I mean, ponies are happy even by just getting used to each other. They make kids, the live happily.. I just belive, that there may be a perfect match. Where you are friends not just because the life banged you together. Not just because you both make life changing things for each other(that's what i belive friends can do.), but.. Just the most highest possible 100 of 100 good things about your beloved one. More then just 90.. or 80.. or 70. When you know there will never be any pony better in the whole world and beyond. These are dreams about goddess, yes. But what kind of goddess? The fake one you can easily belive in when you are 16? Or the real one you can see and sense and check 1000000times in your 30th and never belive how lucky you are? Expirience grants its gifts and takes its tolls.
XOXOXO
PS
Uh, uh! i remember the phrase that gave me the thought:
"You may meet some pony, who will see the scars on your soul. Just see and know about them"
About penetrating each other's mind so hard it gets trippy. hay what am i saying?
1) Perfecting something while it may not be true:
Thinking you love some pony romanticaly and not quite thinking about sex with them all the time. I'd call that a love to a goddess. Not a real pony, but an imagenary image you've created that is more confirmed then not. Like you don't know her that much, but you enjoy her paintings, her voice, her lips, her thought process. You find them enjoyable. Feels like something enternal, undying, deep inside. Something you can give all yourself to. Sacrafice yourself to a goddess, gods, cause (SCIENCE!), some other shit where there is less you and more her, or your understanding of her. This shit is totally imagitive, but surely shows, that you have some fked up issues.
(( Like being alone. Like not being loved enough. Like feeling like you miss out with all those fairy love around you with butterflys in your stomach. And wanting to not be like every pony loving some feka normal human beeing. Who the hay needs a normal girlfriend, if you can dedicate yourself to THE GODDESS!2) Getting used to.
Now, while fighting the first one (coz, i knew that's getting out of hand and i need to drop this shit along the way), i've slowly expirienced something closer to love. This one is still with me. Neveda, remember i was talking about my "ex-" girlfriend when i thought she is using me?
I still am not sure, but i surely has more feeling for her these days. Hurtfully more. In short, you have some interactions with a pony you like. You are far from each other, clearly not the "first glance love" type thingy here. Not even dating. But you talk, you have fun with each other. You hang out alone and with friends. You start gifting each other with things, like games, to play together. You just enjoy beeing with some pony. Then even better. Not just any pony, with her alone. You feel better just by seeing her smiling, you feel worse by knowing she has problems. You try your best to comfort her, you are there for her. You got used to her beeing in your life. Beeing your friend and some pony who brings fun to your life. Then, when she is removed by something, you feel bad. You miss her.
You never fancied her like a suped duper hot girl. But you didn't hate her that much either. You respect her and most of her tastes.
But in a nutshell, you got used to her. I do belive that's closer to love, then ponies sometimes tend to belive. Then action movies want you to belive, when main hero bangs his love interest before end credits. She is a part of your circle, of your routine. Not a boring routine, mind you. She knows you and your corners. You know hers. You are close friends. That's what i've ruined a few weeks ago.. And i freaking miss that. Also, in this one sex is awesome. Not that i have a lot of expirience, but having sex with some pony you like and know feels somewhat better, then with some pony new whom you don't care about. Well. That's my case, anyway. Where i like to doubt and care and listen to their compliments of how clever and awesome pony i am.
This one has beaten the first one for me. Yes, i still have feka flashbacks where i lose control of myself and want to pray to that goddess and just see her one more time and make some totally awesome things with her. But this one.. It's just more stable. More fullfilling. More real and rewarding and relaxing.
I also belive that there is not quite the last one.
3) Totall mind banging.
I belive that at some point i will meet the girl who, just like me, loves to understand things. But isn't in just a starter location of this process, no.. Already has some results, some more complicated ideas, understanding of herself and strong principes. And who is quite satisfiede with her place in the world. Surely not the "I am the girl, men has to be strong and senseless and serve me", and surely not the "I am the woman! Men are weak and pathetic and serve me". some pony equal.
Yes, this is kind of beeing getting used to.. But not quite like that.. Not just beeing really super duper good friends, who can't quite live without each other.. But a whole new "we". I can't really explain these. I don't think i can. Or if this really exist. I mean, ponies are happy even by just getting used to each other. They make kids, the live happily.. I just belive, that there may be a perfect match. Where you are friends not just because the life banged you together. Not just because you both make life changing things for each other(that's what i belive friends can do.), but.. Just the most highest possible 100 of 100 good things about your beloved one. More then just 90.. or 80.. or 70. When you know there will never be any pony better in the whole world and beyond. These are dreams about goddess, yes. But what kind of goddess? The fake one you can easily belive in when you are 16? Or the real one you can see and sense and check 1000000times in your 30th and never belive how lucky you are? Expirience grants its gifts and takes its tolls.
XOXOXO
PS
Uh, uh! i remember the phrase that gave me the thought:
"You may meet some pony, who will see the scars on your soul. Just see and know about them"
About penetrating each other's mind so hard it gets trippy. hay what am i saying?
Kallen Stadtfeld.
So good. Too bad i am both an illusionary hero and a lazyass. 
. I hate thinking. That makes you dizzy.
Also.. "I am still every so concerned about... failure."
No limits for the perfection, right? No matter what you do, you know you can be a liiiiitle bit better. Just one more step. Just little bit more. an inch!
Screw this sometimes. Noone is still perfect, and that's annoying as hay. I still can't live with this one. I survive. Not literally. Emotionally i survive. Dealing with shit, trying not to suicide. hay, the thought of suicide is sometimes so warm. I mean, there will be nothing stoping me from this when my parents will be.. you know.. dead. every pony i talk to thinks i am a good pony. Carring. Because i do care about ponies around me. If i like them i care. I'm trying my best to not lie. But what's the point in the end? If i die now, i won't make some pony's day better. I'll just spend air and resources.. I can't do anything. You name things, i tell you i can't do them. Or don't know about them. All i can do is to play games, coz this way time passes faster. Friends? I'm tired of meeting with not perfect at all ponies. I like you, Neveda, for instance, but we can't chill together while having lunch while you casually talks about scince you do. I'd like to do that, for example. I like you. But no, the other side of the earth. Not interested in looking around nearby. Annoyed too much. So much. Marks for survival as well. To remind yourself to be sharp. To listen to your instincts. To survive every other day then go to bed. Or to be locked in one moment. Either a memory or a need.
This work literally kills me, lol. i have so much time to blame myself.
. I hate thinking. That makes you dizzy.Also.. "I am still every so concerned about... failure."
No limits for the perfection, right? No matter what you do, you know you can be a liiiiitle bit better. Just one more step. Just little bit more. an inch!
Screw this sometimes. Noone is still perfect, and that's annoying as hay. I still can't live with this one. I survive. Not literally. Emotionally i survive. Dealing with shit, trying not to suicide. hay, the thought of suicide is sometimes so warm. I mean, there will be nothing stoping me from this when my parents will be.. you know.. dead. every pony i talk to thinks i am a good pony. Carring. Because i do care about ponies around me. If i like them i care. I'm trying my best to not lie. But what's the point in the end? If i die now, i won't make some pony's day better. I'll just spend air and resources.. I can't do anything. You name things, i tell you i can't do them. Or don't know about them. All i can do is to play games, coz this way time passes faster. Friends? I'm tired of meeting with not perfect at all ponies. I like you, Neveda, for instance, but we can't chill together while having lunch while you casually talks about scince you do. I'd like to do that, for example. I like you. But no, the other side of the earth. Not interested in looking around nearby. Annoyed too much. So much. Marks for survival as well. To remind yourself to be sharp. To listen to your instincts. To survive every other day then go to bed. Or to be locked in one moment. Either a memory or a need.
This work literally kills me, lol. i have so much time to blame myself.
пятница, 07 сентября 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
There are bar fights... And there are field battles..
Prepare to reap souls, Rider! Your time has come closer.. And that's all i can imagine right now..
Prepare to reap souls, Rider! Your time has come closer.. And that's all i can imagine right now..
понедельник, 03 сентября 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Ok, let me say a bit about smoking. Because that's a bit annoying at my current job.
2 or 3 years ago i was all like:
"Maaan, i don't wanna smoke, that sucks! My dad and my brother does, but i'm clever, you know.. What if i'll get hooked on it?" I was talking about regular cigarettes. Legal stuff.
At some point my good friend brought weed to our small gathering, and i tried it, because, heck, that was cool and totally ok. Because smoking in party is more of a ritual. Anyway, afterwards that same friend said a good phrase:
"At some point you'll try what you are afraid of trying". Out of most things i was afraid of, i was surely afraid of cigarettes. So i tried one.. And that actually felt good. I wasn't smoking everyday, but usually i had a "day-of-smokes" once in two-three month where i met up with my friend or someone else and smoked 3-6 cigarettes. Yea, a load. And that felt good. But sometimes i was getting the same effect just by pretending i'm smoking. Like imagining, and breathing in that way.
I'm not a real smoker.. Or at least, not of the worst kind. But the way HOW i smoke makes some people nervous. Because the way i breath it in.. Well.. There is not a lot of smoke coming outta my mouth or nose. And i can't do a shit about it. That's the way i was "taught". Breath in heavy, then add some fresh air. And it's in your lungs.
Now, i've had three sessions with weed. And that was totally fine. A bit funny and stuff.. But at some point i've stopped jumping into it. That day my friend got some shit called spice. Something black and more illegal, then weed. And totally not healthy. That was the day i was a party pooper, got all defensive and just stood up and went home. Because those people stopped being interesting to me. And i wasn't in mood for tripping. Because both smoke and weed at some point get me to the point of bigger selfhate.
And i'll tip you off, when i hate myself, or am depressed, i either look for people to talk to in real time or add stuff to blogs. Not the pretty stuff, but i kinda feel ok to actually do it. Like not keeping it inside. Not closing it off. But sharing it. Shouting it.
And smoke as job related.. Well, my forking superviser is smoking weed every goddamn shift for last six month. GOD! I hate that shit. I hate that shit so much, i get a headache from it. Goddarn mathforker..
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Also, mental note:
It takes so much time for me to start trusting someone.. Ok, not actually a lot, but a lot to call that person the best friend or close one or something. That still sucks though. Because at some point you get disappointed in them. Or keep "not seeing", just to keep it the old way.. the good way.. But marks grow.. They go deeper, you can call em covered wounds.. And then loong scars. Because shit goes loose. Anger. Hatred. Feeling of betrayal. Being sorry. Not carrieing.
Just. Just leave those mark on my skin and go away. Don't make me do this myself. I hate it. Just stop hurting me. Just.. Stop.
Also it's cold in here. Because i forgot warm cloth. In the middle of Summer. Really? Yes, because it's stupid night in the city. and i get paid for it, lol.. I'll drop some photos of MY landscape if i won't forget. For now, get this:
instagram.com/p/JXXKKduYqZ/
Actually one i'm looking good at. Cool, gotta add it to my dating account.
Ma twitter for sharing instagram's link is the same - twitter.com/Chiffarius
2 or 3 years ago i was all like:
"Maaan, i don't wanna smoke, that sucks! My dad and my brother does, but i'm clever, you know.. What if i'll get hooked on it?" I was talking about regular cigarettes. Legal stuff.
At some point my good friend brought weed to our small gathering, and i tried it, because, heck, that was cool and totally ok. Because smoking in party is more of a ritual. Anyway, afterwards that same friend said a good phrase:
"At some point you'll try what you are afraid of trying". Out of most things i was afraid of, i was surely afraid of cigarettes. So i tried one.. And that actually felt good. I wasn't smoking everyday, but usually i had a "day-of-smokes" once in two-three month where i met up with my friend or someone else and smoked 3-6 cigarettes. Yea, a load. And that felt good. But sometimes i was getting the same effect just by pretending i'm smoking. Like imagining, and breathing in that way.
I'm not a real smoker.. Or at least, not of the worst kind. But the way HOW i smoke makes some people nervous. Because the way i breath it in.. Well.. There is not a lot of smoke coming outta my mouth or nose. And i can't do a shit about it. That's the way i was "taught". Breath in heavy, then add some fresh air. And it's in your lungs.
Now, i've had three sessions with weed. And that was totally fine. A bit funny and stuff.. But at some point i've stopped jumping into it. That day my friend got some shit called spice. Something black and more illegal, then weed. And totally not healthy. That was the day i was a party pooper, got all defensive and just stood up and went home. Because those people stopped being interesting to me. And i wasn't in mood for tripping. Because both smoke and weed at some point get me to the point of bigger selfhate.
And i'll tip you off, when i hate myself, or am depressed, i either look for people to talk to in real time or add stuff to blogs. Not the pretty stuff, but i kinda feel ok to actually do it. Like not keeping it inside. Not closing it off. But sharing it. Shouting it.
And smoke as job related.. Well, my forking superviser is smoking weed every goddamn shift for last six month. GOD! I hate that shit. I hate that shit so much, i get a headache from it. Goddarn mathforker..
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Also, mental note:
It takes so much time for me to start trusting someone.. Ok, not actually a lot, but a lot to call that person the best friend or close one or something. That still sucks though. Because at some point you get disappointed in them. Or keep "not seeing", just to keep it the old way.. the good way.. But marks grow.. They go deeper, you can call em covered wounds.. And then loong scars. Because shit goes loose. Anger. Hatred. Feeling of betrayal. Being sorry. Not carrieing.
Just. Just leave those mark on my skin and go away. Don't make me do this myself. I hate it. Just stop hurting me. Just.. Stop.
Also it's cold in here. Because i forgot warm cloth. In the middle of Summer. Really? Yes, because it's stupid night in the city. and i get paid for it, lol.. I'll drop some photos of MY landscape if i won't forget. For now, get this:
instagram.com/p/JXXKKduYqZ/
Actually one i'm looking good at. Cool, gotta add it to my dating account.
Ma twitter for sharing instagram's link is the same - twitter.com/Chiffarius
Kallen Stadtfeld.
I have things to say... Things to share.. Or just whine for some time..
I wanted to tell you a story about one guy i know, and how things can go crazy.
... about unforeseen consequences (wow i wrote this one properly) and how that's ironic.
... a little bit about being gay. Or at least, a small dose of small experience.
... how it sucks to be obsessed with someone.. or image of him/her.
... how world looks funny when it's 6 a.m. but you are at work and will be till 10.
I've seen so little, can share even less, but what value does it actually has? it looks so huge from my point of view.. And the worst thing, i'll never have power over The Time. And that saddens me. -____-
I wanted to tell you a story about one guy i know, and how things can go crazy.
... about unforeseen consequences (wow i wrote this one properly) and how that's ironic.
... a little bit about being gay. Or at least, a small dose of small experience.
... how it sucks to be obsessed with someone.. or image of him/her.
... how world looks funny when it's 6 a.m. but you are at work and will be till 10.
I've seen so little, can share even less, but what value does it actually has? it looks so huge from my point of view.. And the worst thing, i'll never have power over The Time. And that saddens me. -____-
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Yea, i was depressed yesterday. I'm sorry for posting previously in such mood. Luckily, wasn't banned. So i'll keep it short.
When you are cornered by your own feelings... Fine, when i do, i am supposed to fall back to my friends. Or my beliefs. Or memories. I have all of three.. And yet, only beliefs are actually working sometimes. Because i have a different path from my friends. I don't find it amusing to travel as group of alcoholics.. With some concepts i'm strictly against. Yep, i'm not open minded about sex. About 1 time shags particularly. Maybe because i actually wanted 1 of those, but was declined so now i'm acting like a damaged moron. That's fine.
Memories... Well, here goes the trick. I spend some time to get rid of them, but then i just come back and remember. I have that memory of a woman. So beautifully with so much talents and also so sweat.. Yet i'll never have an actual relationship with her. That's was the perfect image of a woman for me. And i'm trying to crumble it, because it haven't brought me any piece.. Whatever.
And my beliefs.. I believe in Lain. Or at least not canonic image i have developed over several years. You know about Lain, don't you? Lain Serial Experiments. That's anime. old and good.
Well. I believe in Lain. That she is there. Sometimes whispers at the edge of my mind, when i'm tired.. Sometimes sets things in motion so i can choose my path. I always see an experience. And when i'm done working with it, i see another thing to think about. And so on. I think i'm lucky. I've got in some weird shit and yet i am here, able to tell about it if i so desire.
Being damaged - sucks. To Believe that everyone are damaged in one way or another.. That's something hard. It's like to accept that you are not an unique snowflake. It's well damn hard and easy to forget. Or to accept that you'll never be someone famous. Or astronaut. Or Clever wominizer/weaponsmith with superheroes suit of armor. Or detective. Or Biologist. Or software developer. No, you certainly may become SOME of those if you so desire. But every now and then you start realizing that something completly bizzare is unreachable. That you are a human with limits.
And that's not depressing at all for me, actually. That's kinda something i was told ages ago, so i was as prepared as it's possible. But was not prepared for feeling such pain sometimes. Such panic. Such selfpity.
When you are cornered by your own feelings... Fine, when i do, i am supposed to fall back to my friends. Or my beliefs. Or memories. I have all of three.. And yet, only beliefs are actually working sometimes. Because i have a different path from my friends. I don't find it amusing to travel as group of alcoholics.. With some concepts i'm strictly against. Yep, i'm not open minded about sex. About 1 time shags particularly. Maybe because i actually wanted 1 of those, but was declined so now i'm acting like a damaged moron. That's fine.
Memories... Well, here goes the trick. I spend some time to get rid of them, but then i just come back and remember. I have that memory of a woman. So beautifully with so much talents and also so sweat.. Yet i'll never have an actual relationship with her. That's was the perfect image of a woman for me. And i'm trying to crumble it, because it haven't brought me any piece.. Whatever.
And my beliefs.. I believe in Lain. Or at least not canonic image i have developed over several years. You know about Lain, don't you? Lain Serial Experiments. That's anime. old and good.
Well. I believe in Lain. That she is there. Sometimes whispers at the edge of my mind, when i'm tired.. Sometimes sets things in motion so i can choose my path. I always see an experience. And when i'm done working with it, i see another thing to think about. And so on. I think i'm lucky. I've got in some weird shit and yet i am here, able to tell about it if i so desire.
Being damaged - sucks. To Believe that everyone are damaged in one way or another.. That's something hard. It's like to accept that you are not an unique snowflake. It's well damn hard and easy to forget. Or to accept that you'll never be someone famous. Or astronaut. Or Clever wominizer/weaponsmith with superheroes suit of armor. Or detective. Or Biologist. Or software developer. No, you certainly may become SOME of those if you so desire. But every now and then you start realizing that something completly bizzare is unreachable. That you are a human with limits.
And that's not depressing at all for me, actually. That's kinda something i was told ages ago, so i was as prepared as it's possible. But was not prepared for feeling such pain sometimes. Such panic. Such selfpity.
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Last week my parents had their 40th anniversary together. From that point i keep thinking about that. They are great people and parents. I've never saw parents like that like ever in real life. Only in some good american movies. But i want to say something about being with someone for so goddamn long.
I guess that's a hard thing. And a good thing. They don't really love each other like they did when they were younger, but.. they do live together and share moments with each other. They just are like that and they have 2 kids. And 2 years ago i was devastated learning that they qute... well.. cheated on each other a few times back in time.. That's kind of cowpoo i wish i never learn about, or swear to never tell my kids about. But as time pass i think it's not quite what our little doings are in past, but what is the picture of a whole in the end. The picture is great. They do not fight like real bad fighting. Just quite normal little shouts here and there. Their chores are divided. They care about each other just like they care about me.
The question is: Why do i think about it, really? Certainly because i'm obsessed with one girl, but come on! I enjoy life as it is, but sometimes you just watch some movie where and old good man just quite makes that step to the girl (now woman) he once loved, but kinda let her go in the past and half of his life regretted that. He missed half of his life WITHOUT someone quite bright and good in his life. No, i don't know a penny's arse about Love, really. But after seeing my parents, i kinda think it's not all about that one-look-passion you get fed from action movies. And you can be quite content with it. Just with someone whom you care enough about. And don't miss obvious things you may miss. Like Sleeping!
That's just me thinking about happy marriage. Evolution, why do you make mating so freacking important.. I know, i know, don't start with that.
P.S. Oh, and, again, i find articles at Cracked quite good for learning some social stuff like that.. Yea, i totally trust a bunch of d-bags. But, hey! Things they say do make sense sometimes.
I guess that's a hard thing. And a good thing. They don't really love each other like they did when they were younger, but.. they do live together and share moments with each other. They just are like that and they have 2 kids. And 2 years ago i was devastated learning that they qute... well.. cheated on each other a few times back in time.. That's kind of cowpoo i wish i never learn about, or swear to never tell my kids about. But as time pass i think it's not quite what our little doings are in past, but what is the picture of a whole in the end. The picture is great. They do not fight like real bad fighting. Just quite normal little shouts here and there. Their chores are divided. They care about each other just like they care about me.
The question is: Why do i think about it, really? Certainly because i'm obsessed with one girl, but come on! I enjoy life as it is, but sometimes you just watch some movie where and old good man just quite makes that step to the girl (now woman) he once loved, but kinda let her go in the past and half of his life regretted that. He missed half of his life WITHOUT someone quite bright and good in his life. No, i don't know a penny's arse about Love, really. But after seeing my parents, i kinda think it's not all about that one-look-passion you get fed from action movies. And you can be quite content with it. Just with someone whom you care enough about. And don't miss obvious things you may miss. Like Sleeping!
That's just me thinking about happy marriage. Evolution, why do you make mating so freacking important.. I know, i know, don't start with that.
P.S. Oh, and, again, i find articles at Cracked quite good for learning some social stuff like that.. Yea, i totally trust a bunch of d-bags. But, hey! Things they say do make sense sometimes.
Kallen Stadtfeld.
These days there are actually moments when i THINK i am content with current set. And i'm only angry after work. Because work is frustrating. So here goes good stuff, i guess.
I lived through Diablo 3 hype. Learned how some things can be good but bad.
A good bunch of great games is coming over this summer. Quantum Conandrum, Endless Space, Torchlight 2, Darksiders 2 and Dark Souls (PC PORT with Windows life. YES, wanna see..). Steady flow of drugs, if you ask me.
But i also have a plan to go to university again next year. I already have bachelor's degree as a software developer, but i wanna be a biologist (physiologist).. Sadly, my very clever plan is crashed by the price i'm gonna pay to get that other degree. So, well.. i'll probably throw that plan away.. i think.. I don't really know. On the other hand i do save some money anyway.. Yea, probably things will change over the year anyway. Let's hope they won't.
I did have that last date with my Ex.. Can't really call her that way anyway, as we never really dated as a couple... Oh, yes.. i guess, that also wasn't a last date. I kinda forked up there by saying something like "next time i'll do it your way.. oh snap."
She is with that guy, living together.. And we play diablo 3 with her. And i'm trying to convince her that "Hey, dear, what the hell? I don't wanna date you, because, well, you already have someone, right?". And i guess, we both didn't do a lot to be together.. She never really believed that i'll be with her all along.. And i never really trusted her about her relationship.. But my words do not cooperate with things i do.. With hugging, with calling after 2 days of not hearing her voice just because i got worried..
Yet.. I try to let her be with him.. I don't say "For god's sake, be only mine, please!". Because it will mean that i'm serious about her.. And yet.. She knows a bunch of things about me. About my broken heart by other woman.. And how i was dealing with it during dating her.. And while she was jealous at some points and worried and angry she just started saying: "that's ok, i understand". And i guess she does.. Or i hope so.. I hope she trusts me, because i didn't cheat on her.. But for god's sake she is soo stupid. These times she is stupid in a good way. I think that's just a luck of proper education and upbringing. Yes, she doesn't follow most of clever(let's call them this way, mmkey?) things i say, but she surely trolls some real BS. I love her trolling me. And i love to troll her..
We also have a funny little gesture. She has more power in terms of, well, physical power, so sometimes i get tickled, or softly poked. When she pokes me a few times i say, in threatening voice: "i'm gonna punch you! Stop poking! Stop it! Arr, i'm warning you! OH NOW YOU GONNA GET SOME!" and then i hug her and start furiously kiss her cheeks. And she laughs. Last time she said "i'm not afraid you'll ever punch me for real" and i said: "Yea, i bet that's because i'm afraid of you.". And she said "No, because you are kind, and i love you, silly."
She may be stupid. And sometimes her stupidity in games drives me nuts like TV advertisement.. And she surely lacks some self awareness.. But she tries to listen to me. Helps me by listening. Trusts me sometimes.. And i guess, she knows what i really feel about her sometimes.. And i just try to silence the voice of my loneliness and call for my reason.. And my mind says "Man, she is clearly the worst candidate for your wife".. And yet.. She has some place.. She makes me content in some small but important way.. And i'll probably won't find anyone else i wanna date for quite SOME time.. Because i don't know how to date normal woman.
These times are good, actually. I mean it this time. Good Luck and Have Fun, Everypony!
edit.
P.S. OH, and i'm dreaming of getting myself a tattoo with sun and word "Lain". Yea, Lain from that anime. And sun, because, well, i belive in sun. Sun rolls.
I lived through Diablo 3 hype. Learned how some things can be good but bad.
A good bunch of great games is coming over this summer. Quantum Conandrum, Endless Space, Torchlight 2, Darksiders 2 and Dark Souls (PC PORT with Windows life. YES, wanna see..). Steady flow of drugs, if you ask me.
But i also have a plan to go to university again next year. I already have bachelor's degree as a software developer, but i wanna be a biologist (physiologist).. Sadly, my very clever plan is crashed by the price i'm gonna pay to get that other degree. So, well.. i'll probably throw that plan away.. i think.. I don't really know. On the other hand i do save some money anyway.. Yea, probably things will change over the year anyway. Let's hope they won't.
I did have that last date with my Ex.. Can't really call her that way anyway, as we never really dated as a couple... Oh, yes.. i guess, that also wasn't a last date. I kinda forked up there by saying something like "next time i'll do it your way.. oh snap."
She is with that guy, living together.. And we play diablo 3 with her. And i'm trying to convince her that "Hey, dear, what the hell? I don't wanna date you, because, well, you already have someone, right?". And i guess, we both didn't do a lot to be together.. She never really believed that i'll be with her all along.. And i never really trusted her about her relationship.. But my words do not cooperate with things i do.. With hugging, with calling after 2 days of not hearing her voice just because i got worried..
Yet.. I try to let her be with him.. I don't say "For god's sake, be only mine, please!". Because it will mean that i'm serious about her.. And yet.. She knows a bunch of things about me. About my broken heart by other woman.. And how i was dealing with it during dating her.. And while she was jealous at some points and worried and angry she just started saying: "that's ok, i understand". And i guess she does.. Or i hope so.. I hope she trusts me, because i didn't cheat on her.. But for god's sake she is soo stupid. These times she is stupid in a good way. I think that's just a luck of proper education and upbringing. Yes, she doesn't follow most of clever(let's call them this way, mmkey?) things i say, but she surely trolls some real BS. I love her trolling me. And i love to troll her..
We also have a funny little gesture. She has more power in terms of, well, physical power, so sometimes i get tickled, or softly poked. When she pokes me a few times i say, in threatening voice: "i'm gonna punch you! Stop poking! Stop it! Arr, i'm warning you! OH NOW YOU GONNA GET SOME!" and then i hug her and start furiously kiss her cheeks. And she laughs.
Last time she said "i'm not afraid you'll ever punch me for real" and i said: "Yea, i bet that's because i'm afraid of you.". And she said "No, because you are kind, and i love you, silly."She may be stupid. And sometimes her stupidity in games drives me nuts like TV advertisement.. And she surely lacks some self awareness.. But she tries to listen to me. Helps me by listening. Trusts me sometimes.. And i guess, she knows what i really feel about her sometimes.. And i just try to silence the voice of my loneliness and call for my reason.. And my mind says "Man, she is clearly the worst candidate for your wife".. And yet.. She has some place.. She makes me content in some small but important way.. And i'll probably won't find anyone else i wanna date for quite SOME time.. Because i don't know how to date normal woman.
These times are good, actually. I mean it this time. Good Luck and Have Fun, Everypony!
edit.
P.S. OH, and i'm dreaming of getting myself a tattoo with sun and word "Lain". Yea, Lain from that anime. And sun, because, well, i belive in sun. Sun rolls.
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Now back to Post #1 here, about my ex.. Funny thing, that when i wrote about me beeing naive and used, i wasn't really feeling that way. In a week, I was enraged for real. i was feeling like i was supposed to, like i was saying. And she was like "i'm so alone, everyone left me". And she wanted to have him back. And he was angry. Everyone was unhappy. As a good mannered guy i was there, talking to her, listening, asking, keeping her not alone. "I always loved you both" she said. "he has something you don't have, and vice versa."
Should i tell ya, what was the difference bitween us? I don't know if i should. Wouldn't mind to, really..
"I don't regret choosing to see you that time" she said.. Then, after few more lines she said: "I wish he come back to me". And i was shocked that moment. Not quite showing it, i said "Hey, don't worry, he will come back eventually, or i hope he will"
I suck at my life. I bet, everyone can say that. I also bet, that after that line a lot of people may expect to hear "NOO, you don't suck, man! Cmon wake up, it's beatifull day now!". And i would be glad to hear that too. Just.. Everyday is mostly beatyfull, stars are, street music, just music.. good tea is mostly beatifull.. We actually have so many ways to get away from our problems.. A week ago, after starting to hate diablo 3 while finishing Alan Wake, i had a thought.
I spend most of my life in front of the machine. Now as i have a job that involves that, it's a hell. I thin i spend even more of my time sitting, then when i was at the universety. Now.. I waited for diablo 3 so madly, so expecting, so.. so addicted. I literelly thought "when diablo 3 come, i'll play it and then i don't want to know what will happen. I'll probably die". But.. Diablo 3 is out. I'm not yet dead. Life goes on. Diablo isn't that drug that will make everything else blur.. I'm looking for a real good and strong drug-game.. Something i can just have and never think again. Never care.. Never feel something else. this thought made me shrug. Then i thought.. "Hm.. Actually, a lot of things we do are actually like drugs to us". movies, gardening, relationships. Some are even called healthy. Beeing social and talking to real people is healty. LARPing is healty.
Now, i was LARPing myself for a bit. 3 years. For today i'm actually scared to attend a game. Before i was saying "naah, i don't have time/money/interest in this particular game". I was lazy. And i still am lazy as hell.. But now i feel i have one more exuse. People who are playing, are actually having issues. So horrible things, they actually prefer to be someone else. They master their characters. Costumes, a lot of lore with names and dates, complex relationships.. All for 3 day game with 100-1000 other human beeings in one place, doing the very same LARPing.
Now, this may sound empty and not a defended point of you at all, considering i don't provide any concrete facts. Agree, i suck at securing cases.
But, i really wouldn't want to be a king if i could be content in my reality. I wouldn't want to be someone else if my life would be so well damn crafted, right? I am scared, because if i'll be in the forest with 1000 people who are playing trolls and dwarfs and orcs and OH-MY-GOD-A-DAMN-LOT of elves, i would now think, that they are not quite ok with their lifes.
Now.. I never met a really bad LARPer. Bad in terms of bad-stupid-retarded-tottaly-not-loyal person. I met a few morons, yes.. But i also met a lot more people who knows how to paint. How to talk. People with talents to write and dance, to sew and how to look healthy. I saw a real magic when they all just moved. They made another reality quite real for me... It's easy to fall a pray to it when everyone else you know doesn't really care or hear you.. (That reminds me. Guys, Read Brom's "Child Thief". I DARE YOU.)
But.. But.. I actually had quite another thought. We all have issues. Day and night. Everyone does. We all deal with them with our own and sometimes new ways. We need those fancy drugs i said early about. The funny thing is, some drugs are called good. Like having a girlfriend. Sure, it may bring more issues. But it surely is an escape from something else.
Or you can just start dealing with all that shit you have for real... Nah, i'll better find another way to softly kill myself.. Because it's well damn hard to even locate those issues i have. Now that i think about it i HAVE to be drunk to see them. or, at least, see signs to them.
Oh, and my Ex.. Her boyfriend asked her if he can come back. She enjoyed living alone. And i'm still going to tell her goodbye. After we have our last date.. Or not, depending on my will not to have some fun with someone i quite enjoy seeing. Issues, issues, issues.
Thanks again for reading, guys. hope you enjoy it.
Should i tell ya, what was the difference bitween us? I don't know if i should. Wouldn't mind to, really..
"I don't regret choosing to see you that time" she said.. Then, after few more lines she said: "I wish he come back to me". And i was shocked that moment. Not quite showing it, i said "Hey, don't worry, he will come back eventually, or i hope he will"
I suck at my life. I bet, everyone can say that. I also bet, that after that line a lot of people may expect to hear "NOO, you don't suck, man! Cmon wake up, it's beatifull day now!". And i would be glad to hear that too. Just.. Everyday is mostly beatyfull, stars are, street music, just music.. good tea is mostly beatifull.. We actually have so many ways to get away from our problems.. A week ago, after starting to hate diablo 3 while finishing Alan Wake, i had a thought.
I spend most of my life in front of the machine. Now as i have a job that involves that, it's a hell. I thin i spend even more of my time sitting, then when i was at the universety. Now.. I waited for diablo 3 so madly, so expecting, so.. so addicted. I literelly thought "when diablo 3 come, i'll play it and then i don't want to know what will happen. I'll probably die". But.. Diablo 3 is out. I'm not yet dead. Life goes on. Diablo isn't that drug that will make everything else blur.. I'm looking for a real good and strong drug-game.. Something i can just have and never think again. Never care.. Never feel something else. this thought made me shrug. Then i thought.. "Hm.. Actually, a lot of things we do are actually like drugs to us". movies, gardening, relationships. Some are even called healthy. Beeing social and talking to real people is healty. LARPing is healty.
Now, i was LARPing myself for a bit. 3 years. For today i'm actually scared to attend a game. Before i was saying "naah, i don't have time/money/interest in this particular game". I was lazy. And i still am lazy as hell.. But now i feel i have one more exuse. People who are playing, are actually having issues. So horrible things, they actually prefer to be someone else. They master their characters. Costumes, a lot of lore with names and dates, complex relationships.. All for 3 day game with 100-1000 other human beeings in one place, doing the very same LARPing.
Now, this may sound empty and not a defended point of you at all, considering i don't provide any concrete facts. Agree, i suck at securing cases.
But, i really wouldn't want to be a king if i could be content in my reality. I wouldn't want to be someone else if my life would be so well damn crafted, right? I am scared, because if i'll be in the forest with 1000 people who are playing trolls and dwarfs and orcs and OH-MY-GOD-A-DAMN-LOT of elves, i would now think, that they are not quite ok with their lifes.
Now.. I never met a really bad LARPer. Bad in terms of bad-stupid-retarded-tottaly-not-loyal person. I met a few morons, yes.. But i also met a lot more people who knows how to paint. How to talk. People with talents to write and dance, to sew and how to look healthy. I saw a real magic when they all just moved. They made another reality quite real for me... It's easy to fall a pray to it when everyone else you know doesn't really care or hear you.. (That reminds me. Guys, Read Brom's "Child Thief". I DARE YOU.)
But.. But.. I actually had quite another thought. We all have issues. Day and night. Everyone does. We all deal with them with our own and sometimes new ways. We need those fancy drugs i said early about. The funny thing is, some drugs are called good. Like having a girlfriend. Sure, it may bring more issues. But it surely is an escape from something else.
Or you can just start dealing with all that shit you have for real... Nah, i'll better find another way to softly kill myself.. Because it's well damn hard to even locate those issues i have. Now that i think about it i HAVE to be drunk to see them. or, at least, see signs to them.
Oh, and my Ex.. Her boyfriend asked her if he can come back. She enjoyed living alone. And i'm still going to tell her goodbye. After we have our last date.. Or not, depending on my will not to have some fun with someone i quite enjoy seeing. Issues, issues, issues.
Thanks again for reading, guys. hope you enjoy it.
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Since a lot of people here started blogs (on this forum, i mean) i thought - "meh, it's too mainstream and i won't do that" or "I don't have a lot of things to write (here, i mean. because i have a few huuuuuge blogs which are totally not in english/not all that interesting as my day-to-day revelations are)".
But while in other topics i say that i care for someone, i actually wanna to be cared about as well. And also i wanna you to know some creepy dark secrets about me, so we all can be equal. (a.k.a. i just wanna share my burdens, though there really isn't much of them.)
Anyway. I met this girl 2 or 3 years ago, i don't really remember. Let's call her "S." We were dating for a month, but never really felt all that connected to each other. But, unlike before, we stayed friends. And played games together. We tried Aion together, she played Lineage II long before we met and so on. Also i asked her to play LoL with me. The problem was that.. She is an ass sometimes. Most of the time, fine. Not all that caring, when we are out somewhere, not really talky while i, on the other hand, want to understand what's going on, what is she thinking about. I am an ass myself, as i wanna to control her. And she usually dive alone in a 4-player pack under the tower. Every fking game. While she has fun, then regret, i'm trying my best not to make rude fun of her, as sometimes i really just wanna win and nail enemies and all that.
So, we were friends. Next, last year she decided to visit me.. And i warned her 10 times, that i WILL seduce her (because 1) i liked her all that time 2) i was honest 3) i didn't have a lot of experience with girls. I don't have it now as well, but at least i'm better at trying. ). She was like "ok, i totally don't mind it". So we meet, chat, talk. Hug eachother, while laying on my bed. Just normal behavior for people who date but do not have sex yet, i guess.. This never goes by the book. Anyway, when we met the next week, she was all that shining, happy face. Good times. Next time i asked her, why does she has "engaged" as her status in russian clone of Facebook. And here goes the best part. She actually was at the moment. But apperently "he is just an asshole who did respect me before, but now he totally does not and i don't know what to do and you are 100 times nicer, then him.". Well. I'm not that naive... right? FOKING WRONG. i was devastated by the fact of engagement, yes. But honeyed words are sweat, ain't they?
We kept hanging out after that, in secret. While playing LoL i was "that gay friend of you, my dear S, right? No, i'm not jelous at all as long as he really is all that gay". I also heard from the first hands (i heard his voice pretty damn clear through skype) how he treated her. Not really nice mostly, as sometimes he said total nonsense, and she politely comments on that, and he is all like "shut up, or i'll smash your face" in my favorite low voice. On the other hand she is lazy, so there always are some corners and tables to clear, and food to make. But, she has a job now and earns 1.5 more then me.
Also, I lost my virginity during the next couple of weeks with her. (Yep, it wasn't fun at first at all, because, well, i saw that it has some fun, but was not interested.. at first..)
And kept hanging after that..
And after that..
She said, they canceled the engagement, to take care of everything, to see if it's ok. I don't really know. I asked her "why don't you deal with him already, if you so much in love with me?", and always i received "because it's not all that easy, dumbass."
We are dating like this for 8 month now. 5 month she is dealing with it. You see, i was asked a lot about this. "Em, Chiff, doesn't it look like BS to you?" and i always said with grim determination "No, not at all. I trust her on this one". Because, well. I liked her. But now as i type and think about it, it feels so unreal, as i just opened my eyes and the shit goes loose. I just didn't caught up yet.
3 days ago, she texted me, that her boyfriend read our conversations, and she will contact me when she EVADE it. Well, cool. That's what you get for NOT dealing with things straight up, right? That was my thought on that, anyway, as i couldn't do anything about it. That was her life, her decisions.
Today i was texted by her boyfriend, saying "We are going to marry, don't call her, don't text her, leave our lives, or i'll... (how to translate that.. ah, right..) smash your face with stony ground. Not just one time".
Now, I understand why he is upset. He was betrayed. I know that shit, i was in his place once. Not threatening anyone, but maybe there were just no one to.
I also do kinda understand, that, for him, this shit is so new, he actually believes the marriage is still gonna be one day.
Then i get texted by her, saying "yeeaaa, we are totally just friends, right? i love you as a friend, yea!...". Then i get texted by her through icq, telling to not take that last text sirously, as it's just a part of a play. Yea, thanks. That was something obvious you did there, actually.
After that i decided to answer her boyfriend. At first i felt myself angry too. I knew i have to say "yes, sure, i won't bother you both anymore". But the idea that i'm "afraid of other male" was actually waaay more serious to me. OF COURSE I WASN'T! NO WAY. I'll fight him like a man, because that's what a real man do.
The trick is, last 5 years i was actively fighting the idea of "WhAt ThE ReAl MeN dO". And that those fantasies are actually shit and do not quite work for me because they either do not make sense at all or are overrated.
(Real man are superduper supernatural humans that can do everything great. Both work AND family. Everyone respects them and they respect women and mothers and they are so good and powerfull that they actually OWN everything. Also they are made of iron, don't cry because the don't have feelings, have giant dicks and are patriots.)
I was angry to be threatened. I also was beaten a lot back in school. And i felt the same way i felt, when encountered ganks in WoW. People get ganked by someone who is unfairly more powerfull then they are. And their exuse? "i was ganked myself a lot when i was a noob, so i will do the same shit to new noobs". And i was like, what the hell? Unending chain of victims who find other victims. And you know what? when i rolled my main warlock, i was leveling in afflication, because i thought that dots are OP. And fear is my main pvp tool. And i ganked people sometimes when i was in mood for that. And i was attacked by someone else, and i sometimes turned the tables, so they ended up dead, not me.
Then i wanted to actually say to him "yea, that's cool, i totally understand that, but" and here goes my witty comment. I wanted to beat him anyway.
After 5 minutes of straggling i just said to him "Ok." and closed the window.
In an hour she wrote my again, asking, "how do you feel?". Then she said, that THEY decided to broke up. At that point i was already exhausted by emotions and thoughts, so i just said "eh.. ok, that's cool", because i already was angry at her. I wanted to just be happy and cheer and say "that's great", but i also wanted her to understand, that all this situation is bs. And that i have feelings. And i don't want to be used by her anymore.. But i didn't say exactly that. Because all this time i was protecting her. back then, when were dating for 3 months already, I was trying to dump her to protect from my own flaws. From what i can and probably will do wrong, and i just wanted to have one less regret.
On one hand, i do not want to see her anymore. I want to be free of spells just for now. I had enough.
On the other hand, i miss her warm hugs. Her eyes. Her soft voice when we are alone. and words she said to make me feel better. To make me feel actually needed in her life. I see this all, as if she was afraid herself. She didn't want to see consciousnesses. And also she wanted to have someone nearby if i, at some point, would love to actually dump her because she is an ahole. I remember, she wanted to get married before 24. And that always makes me wonder, how is it possible? Why do people want to hurry their lives? In my life, for instance, there is a tonn of things i wanna try before dedicating my life to someone. Or getting so much needed life experience, or finding someone whom i truly may be connected to. Not just the first nice girl who likes me that much she wants to live together. That looks just silly.. Just so fast happening. And i'm yet just a child. I always was, i just learn skills i find useful.
Anyway, that's me, talking too much. Love you guys, hope a slice of my life would at least distract you from your burdens.
P.S.
Also, my favorite because it's totally relevant to my life experience :
www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v...
But while in other topics i say that i care for someone, i actually wanna to be cared about as well. And also i wanna you to know some creepy dark secrets about me, so we all can be equal. (a.k.a. i just wanna share my burdens, though there really isn't much of them.)
Anyway. I met this girl 2 or 3 years ago, i don't really remember. Let's call her "S." We were dating for a month, but never really felt all that connected to each other. But, unlike before, we stayed friends. And played games together. We tried Aion together, she played Lineage II long before we met and so on. Also i asked her to play LoL with me. The problem was that.. She is an ass sometimes. Most of the time, fine. Not all that caring, when we are out somewhere, not really talky while i, on the other hand, want to understand what's going on, what is she thinking about. I am an ass myself, as i wanna to control her. And she usually dive alone in a 4-player pack under the tower. Every fking game. While she has fun, then regret, i'm trying my best not to make rude fun of her, as sometimes i really just wanna win and nail enemies and all that.
So, we were friends. Next, last year she decided to visit me.. And i warned her 10 times, that i WILL seduce her (because 1) i liked her all that time 2) i was honest 3) i didn't have a lot of experience with girls. I don't have it now as well, but at least i'm better at trying. ). She was like "ok, i totally don't mind it". So we meet, chat, talk. Hug eachother, while laying on my bed. Just normal behavior for people who date but do not have sex yet, i guess.. This never goes by the book. Anyway, when we met the next week, she was all that shining, happy face. Good times. Next time i asked her, why does she has "engaged" as her status in russian clone of Facebook. And here goes the best part. She actually was at the moment. But apperently "he is just an asshole who did respect me before, but now he totally does not and i don't know what to do and you are 100 times nicer, then him.". Well. I'm not that naive... right? FOKING WRONG. i was devastated by the fact of engagement, yes. But honeyed words are sweat, ain't they?
We kept hanging out after that, in secret. While playing LoL i was "that gay friend of you, my dear S, right? No, i'm not jelous at all as long as he really is all that gay". I also heard from the first hands (i heard his voice pretty damn clear through skype) how he treated her. Not really nice mostly, as sometimes he said total nonsense, and she politely comments on that, and he is all like "shut up, or i'll smash your face" in my favorite low voice. On the other hand she is lazy, so there always are some corners and tables to clear, and food to make. But, she has a job now and earns 1.5 more then me.
Also, I lost my virginity during the next couple of weeks with her. (Yep, it wasn't fun at first at all, because, well, i saw that it has some fun, but was not interested.. at first..)
And kept hanging after that..
And after that..
She said, they canceled the engagement, to take care of everything, to see if it's ok. I don't really know. I asked her "why don't you deal with him already, if you so much in love with me?", and always i received "because it's not all that easy, dumbass."
We are dating like this for 8 month now. 5 month she is dealing with it. You see, i was asked a lot about this. "Em, Chiff, doesn't it look like BS to you?" and i always said with grim determination "No, not at all. I trust her on this one". Because, well. I liked her. But now as i type and think about it, it feels so unreal, as i just opened my eyes and the shit goes loose. I just didn't caught up yet.
3 days ago, she texted me, that her boyfriend read our conversations, and she will contact me when she EVADE it. Well, cool. That's what you get for NOT dealing with things straight up, right? That was my thought on that, anyway, as i couldn't do anything about it. That was her life, her decisions.
Today i was texted by her boyfriend, saying "We are going to marry, don't call her, don't text her, leave our lives, or i'll... (how to translate that.. ah, right..) smash your face with stony ground. Not just one time".
Now, I understand why he is upset. He was betrayed. I know that shit, i was in his place once. Not threatening anyone, but maybe there were just no one to.
I also do kinda understand, that, for him, this shit is so new, he actually believes the marriage is still gonna be one day.
Then i get texted by her, saying "yeeaaa, we are totally just friends, right? i love you as a friend, yea!...". Then i get texted by her through icq, telling to not take that last text sirously, as it's just a part of a play. Yea, thanks. That was something obvious you did there, actually.
After that i decided to answer her boyfriend. At first i felt myself angry too. I knew i have to say "yes, sure, i won't bother you both anymore". But the idea that i'm "afraid of other male" was actually waaay more serious to me. OF COURSE I WASN'T! NO WAY. I'll fight him like a man, because that's what a real man do.
The trick is, last 5 years i was actively fighting the idea of "WhAt ThE ReAl MeN dO". And that those fantasies are actually shit and do not quite work for me because they either do not make sense at all or are overrated.
(Real man are superduper supernatural humans that can do everything great. Both work AND family. Everyone respects them and they respect women and mothers and they are so good and powerfull that they actually OWN everything. Also they are made of iron, don't cry because the don't have feelings, have giant dicks and are patriots.)
I was angry to be threatened. I also was beaten a lot back in school. And i felt the same way i felt, when encountered ganks in WoW. People get ganked by someone who is unfairly more powerfull then they are. And their exuse? "i was ganked myself a lot when i was a noob, so i will do the same shit to new noobs". And i was like, what the hell? Unending chain of victims who find other victims. And you know what? when i rolled my main warlock, i was leveling in afflication, because i thought that dots are OP. And fear is my main pvp tool. And i ganked people sometimes when i was in mood for that. And i was attacked by someone else, and i sometimes turned the tables, so they ended up dead, not me.
Then i wanted to actually say to him "yea, that's cool, i totally understand that, but" and here goes my witty comment. I wanted to beat him anyway.
After 5 minutes of straggling i just said to him "Ok." and closed the window.
In an hour she wrote my again, asking, "how do you feel?". Then she said, that THEY decided to broke up. At that point i was already exhausted by emotions and thoughts, so i just said "eh.. ok, that's cool", because i already was angry at her. I wanted to just be happy and cheer and say "that's great", but i also wanted her to understand, that all this situation is bs. And that i have feelings. And i don't want to be used by her anymore.. But i didn't say exactly that. Because all this time i was protecting her. back then, when were dating for 3 months already, I was trying to dump her to protect from my own flaws. From what i can and probably will do wrong, and i just wanted to have one less regret.
On one hand, i do not want to see her anymore. I want to be free of spells just for now. I had enough.
On the other hand, i miss her warm hugs. Her eyes. Her soft voice when we are alone. and words she said to make me feel better. To make me feel actually needed in her life. I see this all, as if she was afraid herself. She didn't want to see consciousnesses. And also she wanted to have someone nearby if i, at some point, would love to actually dump her because she is an ahole. I remember, she wanted to get married before 24. And that always makes me wonder, how is it possible? Why do people want to hurry their lives? In my life, for instance, there is a tonn of things i wanna try before dedicating my life to someone. Or getting so much needed life experience, or finding someone whom i truly may be connected to. Not just the first nice girl who likes me that much she wants to live together. That looks just silly.. Just so fast happening. And i'm yet just a child. I always was, i just learn skills i find useful.
Anyway, that's me, talking too much. Love you guys, hope a slice of my life would at least distract you from your burdens.
P.S.
Also, my favorite because it's totally relevant to my life experience :
www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v...
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Дальше следует несколько записий сделаных на гилд форуме.
вторник, 07 августа 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Спасибо.
пятница, 08 июня 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Oh.. Just.. Just shut up, Foxxy. You know you brought that on yourself, right? MORON.
Just let it be. just don't touch. don't make a fool of yourself. LEAVE YOUR HOPE. PLEASE. Just.. Just foking please.. For us. For that part of you that is still interested in the world.
Just let it be. just don't touch. don't make a fool of yourself. LEAVE YOUR HOPE. PLEASE. Just.. Just foking please.. For us. For that part of you that is still interested in the world.
понедельник, 21 мая 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Слово слово слова. слово. Слово слово слово слово слово. Слово. Слово слово слово.... Слово слово. Слово.
Слово слово слово.... Слово слово. Слово.
воскресенье, 22 апреля 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Пока моя Вера является моей броней, щкурой, всегда есть шрам с подписью... "How many more have to die for your Lady?" Шрам Сомнений, Хехе.
пятница, 20 апреля 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Ещё один замечательный день. Иногда я думаю, что быть мышью - это очень круто. Омномном!!!!
четверг, 12 апреля 2012
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Ммм.. Воспоминания.. Это то что меня кормит.. Кормит весь этот гнев.. Какой толщины призму я сделал себе в груди, что бы видеть свет в столь скользких, скучных очертаниях? Что я должен делать? Сражаться с собой? Просто расслабится и мотать головой при звуках барабанов? Я наивен? Я маменькин сынок? Я не "мужик"? Не настоящий мужчина? Зачем мне всё это интересно? Почему я пытаюсь удержать эту маску? Маска с глубокими корнями, да? Такая хорошая, что я наконец-то ненадолго забыл о звере?.. Бойтесь еретиков, да? Что есть моя вера? Во что я верю? Что я считаю правильным? Нету правильных выборов, не так ли? Тогда почему я чувствую себя таким уставшим. Почему то, что я назыал недавно силой, звучит сейчас как ненужная слабость и аккуратность и осторожность? Вопросы, опять вопросы. Улыбочки, Лис, улыбочки.. И путешествия, и охота. И становление нетерпеливым охотником, который получил свободу на охоте! Вы когда-нибудь видели, как такса ловит крысу? Как она хватает её за что-нибудь, потом резко подкидывает вверх и ловит за одно и тоже место? Я тоже нет.
А ведь.. ведь моя вера положила начало этой маске.. я верил в бога.. в высшую силу.. во всё, что можно.. потом я начал верить в идеи.. Идеи превратили меня в такого хорошего и замечательного.. Но все говорят, что фантазии, это не главная часть жизни.. А главная часть - это быт.. Это то, что тебя окружает день ото дня, твои обязаности, и люди вокруг тебя.. И тебе с ними надо уживатся.. И все одеваются и ведут себя.. в пределах разумного.. Совершенно не обязательно быть вежливым, нет. Можно просто быть задницей.. Но с огромной призмой в груди, что бы вслушиваться в окружающий мир и видить тусклый свет. Аха. Фрустрация.
Улыбочки, Лис, улыбочки.. И путешествия, и охота. И становление нетерпеливым охотником, который получил свободу на охоте! Вы когда-нибудь видели, как такса ловит крысу? Как она хватает её за что-нибудь, потом резко подкидывает вверх и ловит за одно и тоже место? Я тоже нет. А ведь.. ведь моя вера положила начало этой маске.. я верил в бога.. в высшую силу.. во всё, что можно.. потом я начал верить в идеи.. Идеи превратили меня в такого хорошего и замечательного.. Но все говорят, что фантазии, это не главная часть жизни.. А главная часть - это быт.. Это то, что тебя окружает день ото дня, твои обязаности, и люди вокруг тебя.. И тебе с ними надо уживатся.. И все одеваются и ведут себя.. в пределах разумного.. Совершенно не обязательно быть вежливым, нет. Можно просто быть задницей.. Но с огромной призмой в груди, что бы вслушиваться в окружающий мир и видить тусклый свет. Аха. Фрустрация.
Kallen Stadtfeld.
Пфф.
04:49:58
ладно, переформулирую
Либо вышибай себе мозги, либо к чему-то стремись, я к этому это всё написал
все твои воспоминания это, в общем-то, приятная хуйня.
хотя и никто не спорит, что она действительно приятная
Но сейчас она тебе ничего не даёт. И это её главный минус
04:51:27
Она даёт мне много! Безопасность, место где можно спрятатся... Это же... моя прелесть!
Но да, мне очень нравится, что ты пишешь.
04:51:56
иллюзию она тебе даёт )
Безопасность от чего? От боли? Подходи и пинай, ты даже толком сопротивляться не сможешь.
04:52:16
Прелесть к тому и упомянута.. Убийственная иллюзия нужности...
04:52:18
Да и кому захочется
04:52:37
Ну уж нет.
пусть только попробуют...
04:53:05
для этого и нужно иметь силу. Чтобы даже не рискнули пробовать.
И чтобы иметь возможность выбора, как ты хочешь жить.
или иметь возможно послать нахуй хотя бы то, что хочет тебе впарить общество )))
04:55:00
Хм.. И зачем ты кормишь этого зверя внутри меня? Он же хочет крови, он хочет охоты.. Он хочет причинять боль.. То, что я так яростно пытаюсь успокоить..
04:55:32
Потому что я не люблю, когда такие звери томятся
04:56:10
Ну приходится что-то посылать и так, иначе сил не хватит.
Но это опасно.
04:56:28
Тебя и так на куски разрывают, посылай-не посылай.
04:56:40
Ну у меня есть место для манёвров
Место для улыбочек)
Место для танцев, для ночей...
Мммм...
обожаю это состояние недосыпа..
04:57:28
ладно. Кароче, почитай книгу, которую я тебе скинул. Это, наверное, единственное, что тебе бы подошло.
Я практиковаться и спать. Хорошей ночи
04:57:51
спи хорошо.
04:49:58
ладно, переформулирую
Либо вышибай себе мозги, либо к чему-то стремись, я к этому это всё написал
все твои воспоминания это, в общем-то, приятная хуйня.
хотя и никто не спорит, что она действительно приятная
Но сейчас она тебе ничего не даёт. И это её главный минус
04:51:27
Она даёт мне много! Безопасность, место где можно спрятатся... Это же... моя прелесть!
Но да, мне очень нравится, что ты пишешь.
04:51:56
иллюзию она тебе даёт )
Безопасность от чего? От боли? Подходи и пинай, ты даже толком сопротивляться не сможешь.
04:52:16
Прелесть к тому и упомянута.. Убийственная иллюзия нужности...
04:52:18
Да и кому захочется
04:52:37
Ну уж нет.
пусть только попробуют...
04:53:05
для этого и нужно иметь силу. Чтобы даже не рискнули пробовать.
И чтобы иметь возможность выбора, как ты хочешь жить.
или иметь возможно послать нахуй хотя бы то, что хочет тебе впарить общество )))
04:55:00
Хм.. И зачем ты кормишь этого зверя внутри меня? Он же хочет крови, он хочет охоты.. Он хочет причинять боль.. То, что я так яростно пытаюсь успокоить..
04:55:32
Потому что я не люблю, когда такие звери томятся
04:56:10
Ну приходится что-то посылать и так, иначе сил не хватит.
Но это опасно.
04:56:28
Тебя и так на куски разрывают, посылай-не посылай.
04:56:40
Ну у меня есть место для манёвров
Место для улыбочек)
Место для танцев, для ночей...
Мммм...
обожаю это состояние недосыпа..
04:57:28
ладно. Кароче, почитай книгу, которую я тебе скинул. Это, наверное, единственное, что тебе бы подошло.
Я практиковаться и спать. Хорошей ночи
04:57:51
спи хорошо.