Ok, let me say a bit about smoking. Because that's a bit annoying at my current job.
2 or 3 years ago i was all like:
"Maaan, i don't wanna smoke, that sucks! My dad and my brother does, but i'm clever, you know.. What if i'll get hooked on it?" I was talking about regular cigarettes. Legal stuff.
At some point my good friend brought weed to our small gathering, and i tried it, because, heck, that was cool and totally ok. Because smoking in party is more of a ritual. Anyway, afterwards that same friend said a good phrase:
"At some point you'll try what you are afraid of trying". Out of most things i was afraid of, i was surely afraid of cigarettes. So i tried one.. And that actually felt good. I wasn't smoking everyday, but usually i had a "day-of-smokes" once in two-three month where i met up with my friend or someone else and smoked 3-6 cigarettes. Yea, a load. And that felt good. But sometimes i was getting the same effect just by pretending i'm smoking. Like imagining, and breathing in that way.
I'm not a real smoker.. Or at least, not of the worst kind. But the way HOW i smoke makes some people nervous. Because the way i breath it in.. Well.. There is not a lot of smoke coming outta my mouth or nose. And i can't do a shit about it. That's the way i was "taught". Breath in heavy, then add some fresh air. And it's in your lungs.
Now, i've had three sessions with weed. And that was totally fine. A bit funny and stuff.. But at some point i've stopped jumping into it. That day my friend got some shit called spice. Something black and more illegal, then weed. And totally not healthy. That was the day i was a party pooper, got all defensive and just stood up and went home. Because those people stopped being interesting to me. And i wasn't in mood for tripping. Because both smoke and weed at some point get me to the point of bigger selfhate.
And i'll tip you off, when i hate myself, or am depressed, i either look for people to talk to in real time or add stuff to blogs. Not the pretty stuff, but i kinda feel ok to actually do it. Like not keeping it inside. Not closing it off. But sharing it. Shouting it.
And smoke as job related.. Well, my forking superviser is smoking weed every goddamn shift for last six month. GOD! I hate that shit. I hate that shit so much, i get a headache from it. Goddarn mathforker..
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Also, mental note:
It takes so much time for me to start trusting someone.. Ok, not actually a lot, but a lot to call that person the best friend or close one or something. That still sucks though. Because at some point you get disappointed in them. Or keep "not seeing", just to keep it the old way.. the good way.. But marks grow.. They go deeper, you can call em covered wounds.. And then loong scars. Because shit goes loose. Anger. Hatred. Feeling of betrayal. Being sorry. Not carrieing.
Just. Just leave those mark on my skin and go away. Don't make me do this myself. I hate it. Just stop hurting me. Just.. Stop.
Also it's cold in here. Because i forgot warm cloth. In the middle of Summer. Really? Yes, because it's stupid night in the city. and i get paid for it, lol.. I'll drop some photos of MY landscape if i won't forget. For now, get this:
instagram.com/p/JXXKKduYqZ/
Actually one i'm looking good at. Cool, gotta add it to my dating account.
Ma twitter for sharing instagram's link is the same - twitter.com/Chiffarius