Kallen Stadtfeld.
Now back to Post #1 here, about my ex.. Funny thing, that when i wrote about me beeing naive and used, i wasn't really feeling that way. In a week, I was enraged for real. i was feeling like i was supposed to, like i was saying. And she was like "i'm so alone, everyone left me". And she wanted to have him back. And he was angry. Everyone was unhappy. As a good mannered guy i was there, talking to her, listening, asking, keeping her not alone. "I always loved you both" she said. "he has something you don't have, and vice versa."
Should i tell ya, what was the difference bitween us? I don't know if i should. Wouldn't mind to, really..
"I don't regret choosing to see you that time" she said.. Then, after few more lines she said: "I wish he come back to me". And i was shocked that moment. Not quite showing it, i said "Hey, don't worry, he will come back eventually, or i hope he will"
I suck at my life. I bet, everyone can say that. I also bet, that after that line a lot of people may expect to hear "NOO, you don't suck, man! Cmon wake up, it's beatifull day now!". And i would be glad to hear that too. Just.. Everyday is mostly beatyfull, stars are, street music, just music.. good tea is mostly beatifull.. We actually have so many ways to get away from our problems.. A week ago, after starting to hate diablo 3 while finishing Alan Wake, i had a thought.
I spend most of my life in front of the machine. Now as i have a job that involves that, it's a hell. I thin i spend even more of my time sitting, then when i was at the universety. Now.. I waited for diablo 3 so madly, so expecting, so.. so addicted. I literelly thought "when diablo 3 come, i'll play it and then i don't want to know what will happen. I'll probably die". But.. Diablo 3 is out. I'm not yet dead. Life goes on. Diablo isn't that drug that will make everything else blur.. I'm looking for a real good and strong drug-game.. Something i can just have and never think again. Never care.. Never feel something else. this thought made me shrug. Then i thought.. "Hm.. Actually, a lot of things we do are actually like drugs to us". movies, gardening, relationships. Some are even called healthy. Beeing social and talking to real people is healty. LARPing is healty.
Now, i was LARPing myself for a bit. 3 years. For today i'm actually scared to attend a game. Before i was saying "naah, i don't have time/money/interest in this particular game". I was lazy. And i still am lazy as hell.. But now i feel i have one more exuse. People who are playing, are actually having issues. So horrible things, they actually prefer to be someone else. They master their characters. Costumes, a lot of lore with names and dates, complex relationships.. All for 3 day game with 100-1000 other human beeings in one place, doing the very same LARPing.
Now, this may sound empty and not a defended point of you at all, considering i don't provide any concrete facts. Agree, i suck at securing cases.
But, i really wouldn't want to be a king if i could be content in my reality. I wouldn't want to be someone else if my life would be so well damn crafted, right? I am scared, because if i'll be in the forest with 1000 people who are playing trolls and dwarfs and orcs and OH-MY-GOD-A-DAMN-LOT of elves, i would now think, that they are not quite ok with their lifes.
Now.. I never met a really bad LARPer. Bad in terms of bad-stupid-retarded-tottaly-not-loyal person. I met a few morons, yes.. But i also met a lot more people who knows how to paint. How to talk. People with talents to write and dance, to sew and how to look healthy. I saw a real magic when they all just moved. They made another reality quite real for me... It's easy to fall a pray to it when everyone else you know doesn't really care or hear you.. (That reminds me. Guys, Read Brom's "Child Thief". I DARE YOU.)
But.. But.. I actually had quite another thought. We all have issues. Day and night. Everyone does. We all deal with them with our own and sometimes new ways. We need those fancy drugs i said early about. The funny thing is, some drugs are called good. Like having a girlfriend. Sure, it may bring more issues. But it surely is an escape from something else.
Or you can just start dealing with all that shit you have for real... Nah, i'll better find another way to softly kill myself.. Because it's well damn hard to even locate those issues i have. Now that i think about it i HAVE to be drunk to see them. or, at least, see signs to them.
Oh, and my Ex.. Her boyfriend asked her if he can come back. She enjoyed living alone. And i'm still going to tell her goodbye. After we have our last date.. Or not, depending on my will not to have some fun with someone i quite enjoy seeing. Issues, issues, issues.
Thanks again for reading, guys. hope you enjoy it.
Should i tell ya, what was the difference bitween us? I don't know if i should. Wouldn't mind to, really..
"I don't regret choosing to see you that time" she said.. Then, after few more lines she said: "I wish he come back to me". And i was shocked that moment. Not quite showing it, i said "Hey, don't worry, he will come back eventually, or i hope he will"
I suck at my life. I bet, everyone can say that. I also bet, that after that line a lot of people may expect to hear "NOO, you don't suck, man! Cmon wake up, it's beatifull day now!". And i would be glad to hear that too. Just.. Everyday is mostly beatyfull, stars are, street music, just music.. good tea is mostly beatifull.. We actually have so many ways to get away from our problems.. A week ago, after starting to hate diablo 3 while finishing Alan Wake, i had a thought.
I spend most of my life in front of the machine. Now as i have a job that involves that, it's a hell. I thin i spend even more of my time sitting, then when i was at the universety. Now.. I waited for diablo 3 so madly, so expecting, so.. so addicted. I literelly thought "when diablo 3 come, i'll play it and then i don't want to know what will happen. I'll probably die". But.. Diablo 3 is out. I'm not yet dead. Life goes on. Diablo isn't that drug that will make everything else blur.. I'm looking for a real good and strong drug-game.. Something i can just have and never think again. Never care.. Never feel something else. this thought made me shrug. Then i thought.. "Hm.. Actually, a lot of things we do are actually like drugs to us". movies, gardening, relationships. Some are even called healthy. Beeing social and talking to real people is healty. LARPing is healty.
Now, i was LARPing myself for a bit. 3 years. For today i'm actually scared to attend a game. Before i was saying "naah, i don't have time/money/interest in this particular game". I was lazy. And i still am lazy as hell.. But now i feel i have one more exuse. People who are playing, are actually having issues. So horrible things, they actually prefer to be someone else. They master their characters. Costumes, a lot of lore with names and dates, complex relationships.. All for 3 day game with 100-1000 other human beeings in one place, doing the very same LARPing.
Now, this may sound empty and not a defended point of you at all, considering i don't provide any concrete facts. Agree, i suck at securing cases.
But, i really wouldn't want to be a king if i could be content in my reality. I wouldn't want to be someone else if my life would be so well damn crafted, right? I am scared, because if i'll be in the forest with 1000 people who are playing trolls and dwarfs and orcs and OH-MY-GOD-A-DAMN-LOT of elves, i would now think, that they are not quite ok with their lifes.
Now.. I never met a really bad LARPer. Bad in terms of bad-stupid-retarded-tottaly-not-loyal person. I met a few morons, yes.. But i also met a lot more people who knows how to paint. How to talk. People with talents to write and dance, to sew and how to look healthy. I saw a real magic when they all just moved. They made another reality quite real for me... It's easy to fall a pray to it when everyone else you know doesn't really care or hear you.. (That reminds me. Guys, Read Brom's "Child Thief". I DARE YOU.)
But.. But.. I actually had quite another thought. We all have issues. Day and night. Everyone does. We all deal with them with our own and sometimes new ways. We need those fancy drugs i said early about. The funny thing is, some drugs are called good. Like having a girlfriend. Sure, it may bring more issues. But it surely is an escape from something else.
Or you can just start dealing with all that shit you have for real... Nah, i'll better find another way to softly kill myself.. Because it's well damn hard to even locate those issues i have. Now that i think about it i HAVE to be drunk to see them. or, at least, see signs to them.
Oh, and my Ex.. Her boyfriend asked her if he can come back. She enjoyed living alone. And i'm still going to tell her goodbye. After we have our last date.. Or not, depending on my will not to have some fun with someone i quite enjoy seeing. Issues, issues, issues.
Thanks again for reading, guys. hope you enjoy it.
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03.09.2012 в 01:15Ah LARPing.
Looking back on my childhood, I did nothing but for.. well, almost ten years. Not nearly as organized as what people do when their older, and not nearly as skilled, but I feel it did me a lot of good. Or something. I'm sure.
You have a good point. All of our entertainment spawns from some human desire for fantasy. Not sword and sorcery sort of fantasy (though it can be that), but the broader since of the term. A distraction. I look at what entertains me, and they are separated into two main groups with a lot of crossover in between:
Skill,
and Story.
I like things that involve skill. I like gaining skills I like using skills, I like improving. This is one of the reasons I like RPG's so much. Not only do I personally have to get better at the game, but I also simulate my character getting better at doing what I tell him/her/it to do. When developing my skills it occupies my mind. I putting effort into training thinking about what I'm doing, optimizing my approaches, analyzing my failures, taking note of my successes, and planing future courses of action. My mind is full.
Same thing with story. I like seeing what other people can make me believe within the parameters set by the world they've built. I like following it's twists and turns watching others deal with their issues, no matter how arcane or mundane they may be. Once again it occupies my mind.
I've let my mind wander before. I don't always like where it goes, but sometimes I know I have to let it wander for my own good. I try to control the times I do let it wander, so that if it finds something... dangerous, shall we say, I can pull it back to being occupied again.
I don't think I'm at all unique in this. People like their mind to be occupied that way they don't have to face what it finds when their minds wander.
On top of this people like fantasy not just because it occupies their mind, but it allows them to simulate the experience of something different. This is why fantasy and science fiction and war games are so popular. You can't experience high fantasy, you can't experience far flung science fiction, and very few people truly want to experience the violence of war, but many would want a taste of the challenge without the horror of the reality.
Anyway, that's my bit. Do keep up with this blog, I find it most fascinating.
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03.09.2012 в 01:16Yes! That's the bit i actually forgot for a moment.
But in the end it may be. It's always awesome to me to understand.